St. Teresa of Avila's Vision: Scary as Hell

Back in middle school, I had a friend with long, thick blond hair, braces, and a penchant for fun.  We’d make up our own lyrics to musicals on the bus, chill at the library after school, and compare math assignments over churros at morning break. 

And she threw epic slumber parties.  EVERYONE was invited.  We’d talk and braid hair into the wee hours of the morning and eat strawberries and whip cream at a massive table for breakfast. 

At one particularly melodramatic party, a circle of girls in pjs and sleeping bags divulged our woes: divorced or unemployed parents, weight, eating disorders, contending with the popular girls for the boys at school.  As the weeping escalated, one girl with huge brown doe eyes wept into the shoulder of her BFF:

I just can’t believe God would send anyone into hell. Everyone has some good in them.  I don’t think anyone deserves that! 

The rest of us girls concurred.  How could a God who was “all good” and “all loving” sentence anyone to eternal punishment?  It just didn’t make sense. 

Several years later, in the big city near the bedroom community of my childhood, while asleep on the top bunk of my cramped college dorm room, with my 'N Synch-obsessed roommate snoring below, I awoke with a start and called out to my mom as though I were a little girl.

I’d just seen a menacing, grotesque face with shriveled skin, growling at me through a doorway.  A knowledge settled within me that pierced deeper than his glare: this was the face of Lucifer, and he wanted nothing less than to completely annihilate me. 

A shuddery, disquieting feeling accompanied me the following morning; I felt as though I’d just been threatened with a knife or narrowly escaped a fatal car accident. 

I attended Mass at noon, and after receiving Communion the feeling dissipated: I’d received the comfort I’d calling out for in the night.  I was curled up in a safe space, separated from that evil force that wanted the very worst for me. 

However, the vision had been so real, so terrifying, I fully acknowledged the out-to-destroy-you evil we’re up against in this veil of tears. 

Avila's Descent into Hell

St. Teresa of Avila, a Carmelite nun and Doctor of the church, lived in Spain in the 1500s. Around the age of 40, she committed herself to the practice of mental prayer. 

Many mystical experiences ensued. In one, she physically experiences the place the demons reserved for her in hell. She describes the torments in the Book of her Life, a spiritual memoir she wrote around the age of 50. 

While I was in prayer one day, I suddenly found that, without knowing how, I had seemingly been put in hell….the entrance it seems to me was similar to a very long and narrow alleyway, like an oven, low and dark and confined; the flow seemed to me to consist of dirty, muddy water emitting a foul stench and swarming with putrid vermin. At the end of the alleyway a hole that looked like a small cupboard was hollowed out in the wall; there I found I was placed in a cramped condition. 

All this was delightful to see in comparison with what I felt there….What I felt, it seems to me, cannot even begin to be exaggerated, nor can it be understood. I experienced a fire in the soul that I don’t know how I could describe. The bodily pains were so unbearable that though I had suffered excruciating ones in this life and according to what doctors say, the worst that can be suffered on earth…these were all nothing in comparison with the ones I experienced there. I saw furthermore that they would go on without end and without ever ceasing. 

This, however was nothing next to the soul’s agonizing: constriction, a suffocation, an affliction so keenly felt and with such a despairing and tormenting unhappiness that I don’t know how to word it strongly enough. To say the experience is as though the soul were continually being wrested from the body would be insufficient, for it would make you think somebody else is taking away the life, whereas here it is the soul itself tears itself in pieces.…..I felt myself burning and crumbling; and I repeat the worst was that interior fire and despair….

the Lord wanted me to actually feel those spiritual torments and afflictions, as though the body were suffering. 1 

A Great Favor

Why does God permit or grant these glimpses into the reality of demons and hell?  Avila concludes it’s a great act of mercy.  It made her get real about her perspective towards this life, and her role in it.

I was left terrified….thus I recall no time of trial or suffering in which it doesn’t seem to me that everything that can be suffered here on earth is nothing; so I think in a way we complain without reason. Hence I repeat this experience was one of the greatest favors the Lord granted me because it helped me very much to lose fear of the tribulations and contradictions of this life…..from this experience also flow the great impulses to help souls and the extraordinary pain that is caused me by the many that are condemned. It seems certain to me that in order to free one one alone from such appalling torments I would suffer many deaths very willingly. 1

The Middle School Mind

In decades of attending Mass after Mass after Mass, in parish after parish after parish, I have never heard anything more than a stern warning once or twice that we can’t take our salvation for granted.  No description of evil even approaching Avila’s account of hell nor the terrifying vision of Lucifer I had in my dream.

Too, a theology of hell is oftentimes boiled down to simple conceits: “hell is proximity without intimacy”, or “people create their own heaven or hell”. 

And though I do not at all discount the theological implications of these descriptions, they make hell seem more like a clever argument than an actual place of torment. 

The modern approach to evil nearly reflects the attitude of us weepy girls at our middle school slumber party. 

And I totally get this watering-down, borderline erasing Catholic teachings on devil and hell.  It’s a terrifying reality.  I’d prefer that the devil didn’t exist and that our loving God assures everyone an eternity of running through meadows of tall grass and daisies.

This is in fact the destiny God wants for us: God “wills everyone to be saved and to come to knowledge of the truth." (1 Timothy 2:4) 

However, as John Paul II points out in Crossing the Threshold of Hope

The destination to eternal damnation consists in the ultimate rejection of God, the ultimate break in of the communion with the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Here it is not so much God who rejects man, but man who rejects God. 2 

That is to say, a denial of hell totally disregards the free will God has given us. 

A Grave Naivete

As I’ve mentioned, my own take on the devil and hell contrasts sharply with the preaching I’ve heard in the Catholic Church.  As I see it, a softening of, or failure to acknowledge the reality of demons and hell is gravely naïvé. 

It’s not unlike telling ourselves that the psychotic serial killer on the loose in our neighborhood is nothing more than a hooligan, out to perhaps knock over a few garbage cans, spray some graffiti, but nothing more.  And so then leaving our doors and windows unlocked, and ourselves vulnerable to his wiles. 

St. Teresa, too, clearly harbors no delusions regarding the devil’s desire for us to suffer terribly.  Instead, she emphasizes the power God has over him:

I don’t understand these fears “the devil!, the devil!” when we can say “God God” and make the devil tremble! 1

This is scripturally correct: Jesus tells us over and over again not to be afraid, and that he’s won the victory over evil.  Here’s just a few Gospel verses that drive this point home: 

Take courage, I have conquered the world.” (John 16:33) “All power on heaven and earth has been given to me.” (Matthew 18:18) “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5)

And it’s a most reassuring thought.  By remaining in the love of Jesus; being in a state of Grace, and living a lifestyle of prayer, fasting and works of mercy; we have nothing to fear. 

And You? 

What is your take?  What sort of encounters with the devil have you experienced in your own life?

Of course, demonic attacks are rarely so explicit as those I’ve recounted in this post.  It’s oftentimes unclear when a message, compulsion, or experience comes from God or the devil.  It takes skill and experience to tease this out. 

Fortunately, Teresa has passed on her wisdom in this area as well. More on that later. 

1 Volume 1: The Collected Works of St. Teresa of Avila, translated by Kieran Kavanaugh, OCD & Otilio Rodriguez, OCD, 1976. Pgs 214, 214-5, 170. Crossing the Threshold of Hope, John Paul II, 1994. Pg 73.



Lessons on Listening from Mike Lindell

In this way the Love of God was revealed to us: God sent His only son into the world so that we might have life through him. In this is love: not that we have loved God but that He loved us.  1 John 4: 9-10

In The Silver Chair, book four of C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narina, Eustice and Jill desperately call out to Aslan while fleeing from bullies at their boarding school.  After escaping into Narnia via a mysteriously unlocked door, they meet him, and Aslan informs them: “You would not have called me unless I had been calling to you.” 

It’s easy to misconstrue the dynamic of our relationship with God.  As He is far more interested in a relationship with us than we with Him, all our recollections originate from Him.  How does he call to us? 

In his raw and honest biography, What Are the Odds, Mike Lindell relates the numerous ways God spoke to him throughout his life.  In studying his life story, we may recognize God speaking to us in our own.

God is Still Speaking

We’ve accumulated great spiritual memoirs over the years: St. Augustine’s Confessions, St. Therese of Lisieux’s Story of a Soul, St. Teresa of Avila's The Book of Her Life.  However, it’s difficult for a modern reader to relate to an Archbishop in the 400s and cloistered nuns in the 16th and 19th centuries.  That is to say, Saints and Doctors have related a great deal about God, prayer, and how to listen to Him, but their foreign circumstances makes a relationship with God seem unaccessible, or even exclusive. 

Mike Lindell, however, an aw-shucks guy from Minnesota, demonstrates how God speaks to everyday people in the 21st century. 

Mike relates the entirety of his life in this memoir: from his parents divorcing at the age of 8, that moved him from a comfortable middle class home to a trailer park, to owning a bar in Victoria, Minnesota in the 90s, to meeting his wife and raising a family, and of course starting MyPillow, for which we all know him today. 

Mike’s a fun, full-of-life guy.  At the bar, he “sold belonging, not beer” by playing carefully selected sing-along music, throwing parties which he livened up with stacks of cocktail napkins thrown into the fan, and hosting yearly trips to Las Vegas with the regulars. 

Every year he took hunting trips with his buddies and eventually his sons, too.  And from a young age he showed strong business propensities: in his 20s starting both both a carpet-cleaning business and sandwich kiosk. 

From his teenage years, Mike demonstrated addictive behaviors: sports betting, cocaine and eventually crack.  He learns to count cards playing blackjack, which helps make ends meet at several points in his life. 

Although he managed to lead others on the road to recovery, he himself remained a prisoner to crack, and eventually his life spiraled. His wife left him, his children didn’t want to live with him, and he repeatedly fell prey to crooked men who tried to steal MyPillow. 

The Call of God

Throughout his colorful roller-coaster life, Mike hears God speaking to him through coincidences, dreams, locutions (interior voices) and other people.  His idea for the pillow company came from a vivid dream:

One night in the spring of 2004, I sat straight up in bed, holding onto the tail of a dream….words from my dream were running through my head. It was my own voice repeating the words, “Where’s my pillow? 1 

He spends the wee hours of the morning experimenting with business names and logo designs. 

Several years later, with MyPillow in full swing, while doing lines of cocaine one weekend, he received three separate phone calls from people who’d watched an interview with him on TV.  They all had the same message.  The coarsest related it thus: 

Well let me tell you something, pal. I don’t believe in God. But I keep having a dream that I’m supposed to call you and tell you what you’re doing is important to God. I hope these dreams stop now, you a**hole! 1 

It does take Mike a LONG time to finally turn his life over to God; his sister plays a big part in bringing about this conversion.  Once, after his eventual conversion, he’s brought to tears by a voice telling him: 

Go to Church tomorrow.  You are done with gambling….Don’t worry about counting cards to cover your company’s expenses.  You will meet Kendra.  Through her, you will become closer to me. 1

These are just a few of the plethora of serendipitous experiences and dreams that Mike experiences.

Spiritual Reality vs. the Rational World

In our modern world, things like dreams and vision are often scoffed at, even by Christians, as the stuff of superstition and fantasy.

Which is puzzling, when juxtaposed with Christians and Jews in Biblical times.  Consider just one central New Testament figure: St. Joseph.  Not only did he decide to take Mary as his wife due to a dream (Matthew 1: 20-25), he also up and fled Bethlehem for Egypt with his wife and baby in the middle of the night. (Matthew 2: 13-14). 

That is to say, St. Joseph made crucial life decisions due to messages received in dreams. 

These certainly aren’t the only passages of their kind: going back to St. Joseph’s namesake, Joseph (Jacob's son) interprets Pharaoh's dream, which alerts Egypt of an upcoming famine (Genesis 40).  The Bible is ridden with characters interpreting dreams, receiving visions and being visited by angels; much of the stuff of Mike's memoir. 

Get real,” someone today would easily tell either Joseph, knowing how much stake they planted in dreams.  How is it that today we write off as preposterous a phenomenon they placed so much trust? 

In Crossing the Threshold of Hope John Paul II cites the modern age of rationalism, beginning with Descartes, as the point at which Western culture began its rift from a relationship with an unseen God. 

The French Revolution…introduced the cult of the goddess Reason…the consequence was that man was supposed to live by his reason alone, as if God did not exist. 2

Yet, even if our homage to reason has skewed our perception of reality, God hasn’t changed.  Mike’s memoir demonstrates that God continues to speak to us as He did back in Biblical times: through dreams, visions and locutions. 

Dreams: A Window to Reality

In his book, Dreams: A Way to Listen to God, Morton Kelsey tells how he began a practice of writing down and studying his dreams. 

I soon noticed that there was a wisdom greater than mine that spoke to me in my dreams and came to my aid. 3 

I’ve often noticed a correlation between dreams and my daily life. Once, in a dream, I envisioned my sisters meeting with my employer. A few days later, they told me that such a meeting had transpired in a coffee shop.  Another time, a priest spoke to me in a dream, telling me that he wouldn’t hear my Confession.  The next day, this same priest celebrated Mass and afterwards announced that, although normally he heard Confessions after Mass, he wouldn’t be able to today.  And just recently, I dreamed that a childhood friend came to visit: I waved to him through the window.  The next day, my mom called his mother. 

None of these dreams communicate anything so significant as Mike Lindell or St. Joseph.  No commands to get up in the middle of the night and move to another country, or to start a business and build a platform.

But they certainly suggest a relationship between dreams and daily life. 

A New Language

We can learn a lot about God from What Are the Odds, where Mike relates how God called and called to him over and over again, and Mike finally answers back.

As God is enamored with all of us, He’s calling to each of us, in our everyday life.  Yet, if we don’t know how to listen or how He speaks, how can we respond? 

That is to say, the language of God is distinct and all of its own.  It must be learned.  As with any language, this can be a long process.  And God does not speak to everyone similarly.  But Mike certainly provides guidance: listening to dreams, coincidences, and messages from other people might help us identify God speaking in our lives.  

Then, after we've received a significant message, mulling and reflecting on it, as interpreting the message is as crucial as recognizing it in the first place! 

Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart. Luke 2:19

What’s your take? What are the ways you hear God speaking to you in your daily life?

1 What Are the Odds, Mike Lindell, 2018.Pages 132, 214, 271. 2Crossing the Threshold of Hope, John Paul II, 1994. Pages 52-3. 3Dreams: A Way to Listen to God, Morton Kelsey, 1978. Page 9.